Time. It's amazing what a difference one week makes. Seven days ago life was pure hell, a week later it's a whole different world and time has become a completely new and interesting commodity for me to deal with than it was before. Strange, enticing and oh so very cool.
Last week at this time I was girding my armor, preparing for war, preparing for who knows what and tonight I am enjoying a late supper and thinking about the upcoming weekend instead. Last week I couldn't really consider going away for I thought my place was here, waiting, waiting for what I didn't know but but I spent my time here waiting for the inevitable all the same. I didn't wait on my hands, as you know, but worked hard every day, if anything just to burn off all the anxiety that went with along with all that pointless waiting. I still find myself getting up and getting into my work day by eight o'clock but now I'm working with a different sort of time element. The hour glass has turned, the sand is running and my time, my life, is once again my own, but now it has an edge to it, one that says to me that I'm not getting paid for waiting around anymore, that it's time to get my act together and rediscover myself. Life and all it's merciless variables are staring me in the face and the wolves, while not at the door, are in conference, wondering what to do with me this winter.
Last week at this time I was girding my armor, preparing for war, preparing for who knows what and tonight I am enjoying a late supper and thinking about the upcoming weekend instead. Last week I couldn't really consider going away for I thought my place was here, waiting, waiting for what I didn't know but but I spent my time here waiting for the inevitable all the same. I didn't wait on my hands, as you know, but worked hard every day, if anything just to burn off all the anxiety that went with along with all that pointless waiting. I still find myself getting up and getting into my work day by eight o'clock but now I'm working with a different sort of time element. The hour glass has turned, the sand is running and my time, my life, is once again my own, but now it has an edge to it, one that says to me that I'm not getting paid for waiting around anymore, that it's time to get my act together and rediscover myself. Life and all it's merciless variables are staring me in the face and the wolves, while not at the door, are in conference, wondering what to do with me this winter.
Oh hell, let 'em howl, been there, done that before.
Today I realized that while I want to play, take road trips, goof off, what I really need to do is start looking for the next square on the board. Today I spent more time online than I have in weeks, spent time writing friends, lining up activities, planning events, getting out applications, all that. Before, when I would wake up, I would check the news, drop an email or two, check the job boards, get on with my day. It was the life of the living dead. Now I am back with the living, talking to friends via the net, getting things lined up, making contacts, calling in old markers. It's a different use and appreciation of time and it's all very liberating.
Today I also realized that I while I need to keep to my program, maintain work discipline, all that, I also know that I can relax a bit, breathe deep, take walks, eat slower. I am already sleeping better, and my stomach has been less inclined to be filled with bile. I know, too, that I have to look at this time off as a gift, not just as a time to think about finding the "next job". I know that money worries will always a constant, but I know, too, that time off like this is something I will never get back again. Every day must count, even if some of that time is spent napping with the cat.
To that end I am thinking about a road trip to California to see new sites, old friends and long buried relations, with maybe swing up and around through New Mexico to see an old artist friend of mine. He wrote to me today and told me that he would be happy to illustrate my "great American novel", something else that I have finally started over the last few days. I know, too, that I need to get things to Boise, that I need to spend some serious time with my children. I've spent two hard months working on this house, two miserable months worrying about the unknown, two difficult months in a sort of purgatory and now it's time to find a new path, a new place, a new way to live, a new way to breathe. More than anything I need to learn how to appreciate time once again in a way that I couldn't before.
Baby, this is the only life we have and it took some hard lessons to figure that out.
I woke up this morning and stood on the porch, looked at the ruddy sunrise and thought, Red sky at morning, sailor take warning, all that, and all I could do was smile. Sure, we had a touch of rain today, but baby, it takes rain to make my flowers grow. Let it rain, I don't care, that's what windshield wipers and good stout jackets are for.
Time is once again my friend. Whether I end up in Eugene, Boise or Port Orchard or some point in-between it doesn't matter much to me anymore. I am living once again and to those that gave me that gift, thanks!
Salud!
Today I also realized that I while I need to keep to my program, maintain work discipline, all that, I also know that I can relax a bit, breathe deep, take walks, eat slower. I am already sleeping better, and my stomach has been less inclined to be filled with bile. I know, too, that I have to look at this time off as a gift, not just as a time to think about finding the "next job". I know that money worries will always a constant, but I know, too, that time off like this is something I will never get back again. Every day must count, even if some of that time is spent napping with the cat.
To that end I am thinking about a road trip to California to see new sites, old friends and long buried relations, with maybe swing up and around through New Mexico to see an old artist friend of mine. He wrote to me today and told me that he would be happy to illustrate my "great American novel", something else that I have finally started over the last few days. I know, too, that I need to get things to Boise, that I need to spend some serious time with my children. I've spent two hard months working on this house, two miserable months worrying about the unknown, two difficult months in a sort of purgatory and now it's time to find a new path, a new place, a new way to live, a new way to breathe. More than anything I need to learn how to appreciate time once again in a way that I couldn't before.
Baby, this is the only life we have and it took some hard lessons to figure that out.
I woke up this morning and stood on the porch, looked at the ruddy sunrise and thought, Red sky at morning, sailor take warning, all that, and all I could do was smile. Sure, we had a touch of rain today, but baby, it takes rain to make my flowers grow. Let it rain, I don't care, that's what windshield wipers and good stout jackets are for.
Time is once again my friend. Whether I end up in Eugene, Boise or Port Orchard or some point in-between it doesn't matter much to me anymore. I am living once again and to those that gave me that gift, thanks!
Salud!
1 comment:
Salud indeed! Love the new imagery at the top.
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